Salads Suck
I think I have only told one person my entire life that I have an eating disorder. Even typing that right now seems unreal. I told this person my senior year of high school that I had an eating disorder but I didn’t tell him the details or how I had developed it in 6th grade and it has been part of me ever since. I remember walking past my reflection in the classroom windows at school and sucking in my stomach trying to look skinnier in my uniform skirt. Or when I got my palate expander in my mouth due to braces and lost about 10 pounds that everyone deemed as puberty but really I had such bad anxiety about eating in front of people I stopped eating. I realized I was losing weight and I was so excited. No one noticed because I didn’t look like a girl with an eating disorder. No one could hear the thoughts running through my head: “Well if I barely eat all day then eat like a healthy salad then I will be skinny!” but then I wouldn’t follow through on this promise to myself and I would eat normally and beat myself up for it. The cycle never ended. I would binge eat because I was so hungry I couldn’t stand it any longer. The weirdest thing is- no one ever told me I was fat. There was that one time my doctor told me he was concerned about my weight as he pointed at my growth chart. I got my thyroid tested and I remember calling my sister leaving the doctor’s office crying and laughing saying “The Dr. said I have to get my thyroid tested because I’m fat!!!” We laughed about it but it wasn’t funny. It was scarring. The test results came back that my thyroid was fine - this made me feel even worse because it meant I was just overweight. I developed the worst body dysmorphia. 8th grade was just as bad. No boys had crushes on me, I had braces, and I thought I was fat. Every day I sat in class I thought about how my stomach bulged in my skirt. I compared myself to other girls in my grade wishing for their bodies. I hadn’t even gone through puberty yet and I hated my body. But once again no one noticed. I was still a happy kid who had friends and played sports. One day I weighed myself and as I looked down on the scale and saw the number I told myself, “Okay don’t you dare go over 68 pounds.”.
High school came and I was still short and what I considered to be fat. I still had my braces and as my friends were blossoming into these beautiful young women I was stuck. I think it’s important to state this right now- just because I was “healthy and happy” in high school and I didn’t starve myself to the point of needing medical help or intense therapy- I still had an eating disorder. I began looking back at photos of me when I was probably 100 pounds instead of 110 and I wished I had that old body back. I had this one picture I would always look at. It is me, my sister, and friend on spring break when I was in 8th grade. I thought I looked so skinny, but really I was in my prime of not eating and sucking in as hard as I could to fit into my tiny jean shorts. I did this all through out high school. As my body changed I never really gained or lost that much weight but through my eyes I looked different everyday. I wouldn’t buy a donut on Thursday mornings like all the other girls did because I didn’t want to be fat. I packed a small salad everyday for lunch because I didn’t want to be fat. But still no one had ever told me I was fat or needed to lose weight. I had friends who would talk about eating disorders and other mental health issues but I told myself that wasn’t me. Nothing traumatic had ever happened to me so there’s no way I could have anxiety or an eating disorder. I hadn’t even heard of the term before. Junior year I had the same issues, no boys liked me, I had zero confidence but at least I didn’t have braces anymore! That’s another thought I had- I can’t be fat when I get my braces off or else no one will say I look better. I forced myself to go to 5:00 am workouts before school so I would look skinny for my Junior Ring dance. The cycle continued.
Senior year I started getting more into working out to be strong for lacrosse which helped a lot with some of my body image issues. I worked out with a personal trainer and stopped eating fast food, I felt good and healthy. I started dating someone who genuinely thought I was beautiful. I kind of eased up on my restrictive eating patterns because I was going out on dates and I felt weird saying no to ice cream or a cheeseburger. I honestly grew to love my body a lot that year., or maybe I just had enough positive distractions that I didn’t think about it as much.
College came and I was developing a better understanding of my eating disorder but I still didn’t admit to anyone else that I thought I had one. I was training a lot for lacrosse and I knew I needed to fuel my body but I still kept track of everything I ate. To make a long story short my eating disorder was always there but it was kind of swept under the rug while I did more important things like play lacrosse and experience college. But then I quit lacrosse, I came back home and I binged a lot. This is something I discovered recently- I am an emotional eater. When I am happy I eat, when I’m sad I eat, when I finish a hard practice I eat. And not in a good, moderate way, but an intense and unhealthy way that leaves me feeling sick and disgusted by myself. When I was younger that’s the role food played in my life. I got a shot at the doctor’s office and I would get McDonald’s after. I hated going to school so much in middle school I would have anxiety attacks every Sunday night but instead of dealing with them I would go get ice cream at Culver’s. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just what worked at the time. Sophomore year of college I had such a fear of eating in the cafeteria I barely ate anything. I would skip breakfast then eat a protein bar before practice and be shaking so badly I could barely concentrate. I thought if I barely ate and then worked out for 4 hours a day I would finally get my ideal body. (What I wanted this ideal body to look like changed a lot through out the years). My parents and boyfriend would tease me for never eating the school food but they didn’t know it wasn’t because I thought it was disgusting, it was because I didn’t have friends and I didn’t allow myself to eat. When I would get ready to go out with my friends on a Thursday night I would judge myself in the mirror regretting eating “so much” during the day that I would skip dinner after a long practice just to feel like I could pull off skinny jeans. Junior year of college I was doing better. I knew my body needed to eat more so I stopped starving myself as much but would mentally beat myself up about the food I ate. But I was still in that “I have a boyfriend” relationship bubble where I didn’t really care about impressing people that much so I didn’t pay that close of attention to how I looked to other people. I binged hard on the weekends after going out and partying but I would work it all off at practice the next day so who cares. Now here I am senior year of college. 10 years of hating my body and I am still struggling. I think the hardest part now is knowing all the right things to say to myself but not being able to believe them. I know my body is strong, it helps me play the sport I love, I am healthy, I will never be the skinny girl I always wanted to be because my body isn’t built like that. And I am 100% good with all that… until I eat a bag of M&Ms then shit hits the fan.
I went through a lot of crap this year and I never let myself feel it. I put my body through strict diets that were never going to stick because I was grasping for control. I thought if I controlled what my body looked like everything else in my life would be normal again. I felt ugly, out of shape, and fat. But really I was just sad. When my lacrosse season got cancelled the reality of sitting at home all day sent me into a spiral of trying to not gain the “quarantine 15”. I pushed myself to try this new diet and workout plan. It was the first time something actually worked and I lost some weight and built muscles. I had some ripped triceps! After a month of doing this routine I thought I was finally going to get my dream body and I would be happy. FINALLY !!! Nope. I found myself waking up in a panic every morning stressed about what to eat, drink, and when to workout. I was obsessed, which ironically was the name of the program, but I was obsessed with results. I decided to stop the program and I seriously almost started crying. I felt free. I ate what I wanted to for the next 3 weeks. I still wasn’t happy and then I felt fat again. And breaking news but that’s just not how the human body works. You don’t lose all the progress you made just because you eat Chick Fil a once. I did learn, however, what foods made me feel good. Carrots made me full and energized and eating lots of protein helped me work out for longer. It wasn’t a complete fail but I still had intrusive thoughts stemming from my eating disorder.
So here I am halfway through summer going to be a senior in college and I am still struggling, and honestly I don’t think I will ever stop struggling with my eating disorder but I am trying my best. I try to think of food as fuel rather than a crutch. If eating a tub of ice cream makes me really bloated, maybe I should try eating a smaller amount of dairy free ice cream. If pizza makes me feel gross maybe I can try making my own healthy homemade version. There has to be a balance. I want to be strong and healthy but I also want to eat nachos and drink beer. My goal is to be content over being happy. I hate when people say “I hope you’re happy now”, “But you seem so happy”. Happiness is fleeting. I would rather be content with myself. Happiness is in the small moments like feeling good about yourself in your new jeans or crushing it at your new job. Being content is waking up in the morning, drinking an oat milk latte and not worrying about what you look like.
Here are some lessons I have learned:
Your body is more than a physical thing to look at, it gives you the strength to do all the things you love.
Eating that pizza will not take away all the hard work you put in during weights and practice.
Going out to the bars with your friends and dancing all night won’t make you gain 10 pounds.
It is okay to not love your body everyday or in every outfit but you keep trying because some days you will feel like a bad bitch and it will be so worth it.
Your body will actually feel better if you give it the nourishment it needs like some greens and protein but it won’t fall into a million pieces if you eat some ice cream afterwards.
So why didn’t I ever tell anyone? Not even my mom or my sisters? Because I never felt like it was real enough. I needed validation but was too scared to ask for it. So that is why I am writing this post. I hear you and see you. Whoever you are, whether you’re 12 years old or 60, man, woman, or anything in between, your struggles are real and they are validated. Ask for help or just have a conversation with a close friend. It will set you free. We all relate to each other on some level and we shouldn’t have to go through life by ourselves. You don’t have to have this extreme diagnosis of an eating disorder, you just need to be honest with yourself and those around you. All we have is our truth and if we always hide it, what’s the point ?
I am going to be content with my body and what I eat because why the F not.
I plan on covering body image issues and eating disorders /disordered eating in more specific settings such as being a woman college athlete and a more in depth look at emotional eating in future posts, so I really hope this helps at least one person. This is all from my personal experience and I am by no means a professional so please seek a professional’s guidance if you feel you need help!
