Apple Slices and Peanut Butter
Ah, the holidays. What a magical time. Families gather, drink, eat enormous meals, and try to not push each other’s buttons. I love Christmas. Not in the “listening to Christmas music as soon as Thanksgiving is over” kind of way, but you know just the average amount a person should care about a holiday. However, I will admit I listen to Justin Bieber’s Mistletoe album year round so I don’t have that much room to talk. We always hear about the stress the holidays bring. Maybe you have a family member that annoys you or you don’t like the fruit cake your Grandma makes you eat. We see this stress portrayed on social media, in movies, TV shows, etc. But I want to write about a different kind of holiday stress. A kind of stress that I believe people hide because they do not feel like others suffer from it as well.
I had the amazing opportunity to go on a ski trip with my closest friends after finals this semester. We drove out to Denver for a few days then headed to the mountains. We skied, ate yummy home made meals, drank, and played card games. We had so many bouts of that kind of laughter where your face and stomach aches from smiling and laughing so much. On our car ride back across Colorado and Kansas my anxiety about going back home started to set in. But that was quickly overshadowed by our plans to hit up Applebee’s $1 drinks that night. (College in a pandemic is crazy!). That weekend was a beautiful distraction from my holiday anxiety. My friends and I hung out all weekend trying to stay at our college house for as long as possible. Monday came and my roommate and I finally faced the reality that Christmas eve was in 2 days and we should probably go home to our families. We packed up and said goodbye. Winter break was officially a go.
I would like to preface this next part of my blog by stating that I would not change anything about my life because I know how blessed I am to come home to a warm house and loving family. However, this blog would be boring if I didn’t act like an angsty 21 year old Gen-Z’r.
I got back to my parent’s house and instantly began to shut down. I felt overwhelmed by all the free time I had, I felt like all of my belongings were displaced between my house at school, my leftover ski trip luggage, and the trunk of my car. I swear that every time I sleep in my bed at my parent’s house I have the most vivid nightmares of being back in high school. I say nightmares because I loved high school but for some reason my old room triggers the worst memories from 2013-2017 in my mind and I wake up in the morning re-pissed off at whoever was lucky enough to pop up in my head that night. After a few days of waking up bitter at the world for no reason I decided to ask myself, “Why?”. Why am I anxious? Where is this really coming from and why can’t I just be content? I don’t wake up like this at school. I finished the semester strong, I made new friends, I worked hard at practice. What is going on?!? I went on a run to clear my mind, because that’s what all the disturbed young women do in the movies when they need to think. I ran about a mile and wanted to stop and walk because then I was pissed off that I was running. Then it hit me. I thought in my head: “OK let’s get to the root of why I want to stop running right now. Is it because I am hurt? Am I getting light headed? Or is it because I think I can’t keep going?” I decided I wanted to stop because I was in a bad mood and I didn’t believe I could keep going. So I kept running. Aha! A breakthrough.
I realized I am anxious about being home for the holidays because I made myself so comfortable at school with who I am, what I do, who I hang out with, etc. which is amazing but I did not know how to transfer that comfort to my parent’s house/a different environment. My whole life I have associated Winter break, or really any break from school or work with achieving a certain goal or glow up. Come back to school skinnier, being able to lift more, better skin, new clothes. I would compare myself to what I looked like or what I was doing that same time the year before. I tell myself I will start a new diet or work out regime so that when I return to school people will be like “Wow! You look so great!”. As soon as these new goals and plans come into my brain the intrusive thoughts that I won’t be able to achieve any of these goals roll in. I begin to lose the feeling of control and the desire to do anything at all. I discovered I have been focusing on all the wrong things. What do we want people to notice about us? Do we want them to notice we lost weight, or do we want them to notice we are glowing from the inside out? Do we want them to notice our expensive new shoes, or do we want them to describe us with kind words when someone asks who we are? Most importantly, what do we want to notice about ourselves? I want to notice how I persevere through challenges, how I am a good friend, how I laugh at myself when I mess up. I want to remember what I value and hold true to those values, especially when I have to go through a change that might be uncomfortable to me. Honestly, you think people care about what you’re doing but at the end of the day we are all self absorbed and really only thinking about ourselves. Seek validation from yourself, not others. Love yourself fiercely and without hesitation.
Apple slices and peanut butter are my go to late night snack. Growing up, my Mom would always suggest this snack and it has always reminded me of her and my childhood. A few nights ago around midnight I was laying on my bed in my old room at my parent’s house, awaiting my nightly flashback nightmare, when my stomach growled. The old Helen would have laid there all night with her stomach growling because she shouldn’t eat past 8:00 pm, if she wanted to go back to school with a glow up, until she fell asleep from exhaustion and hunger. Instead, I got up, went downstairs and cut up an apple and spooned out a heaping amount of peanut butter into a bowl. I went back upstairs and happily ate my apple slices and peanut butter. THIS! This is the kind of glows up we should focus on and celebrate.
When life slows down or speeds up, remember to allow yourself some grace. You don’t need to make drastic changes to improve yourself. Sit yourself down and eat some freaking apple slices and peanut butter and get some sleep.
Happy New Year!
