living with yourself
It turns out that living by yourself in a one bedroom apartment is not as glamorous as Mary Tyler Moore made it out to be. There are several benefits to living by yourself: such as being able to spend as much time as you’d like in the bathroom, putting off chores, and walking around with no pants and your slippers on, you know the usual stuff.
Living by yourself is kind of like being proud for putting away the dishes but then you turn around and you look at all the laundry you have to fold. But then there are also amazing moments of blasting Taylor Swift from your Alexa and having a dance party that your neighbors probably watch you perform like it is their new nightly ritual from their windows.
Living by yourself can be lonely and there’s nothing wrong with that. I know there are people out there that I could go and hang out with or call on the phone, but I miss the built in adventures and conversations of living in a house full of different personalities.
Living by yourself it can be really easy to let things stay on your to do list.
I like to think of living by yourself as an analogy for when your mom said you couldn’t hang out with your friends until you cleaned your room. So then you just stuff everything in your closet so it appears like you have everything in your life in order and put away neatly but in reality if your mom opened up your closet door an avalanche of clothing would pour out.
I love being booked, busy and distracted. When I have to come home to my apartment after a long day of work, school, and lacrosse I am TERRIFIED of having to sit in silence with myself. The first hour is usually fine , but when hour 4 hits and I start contemplating every decision I’ve made in my 22 years on earth things get weird. It’s like I’ve thrown everything I didn’t want to think about in my head in a mental closet and now that there’s nothing or no one distracting me from it , it seems like the only thing left to do is open the door and let the avalanche of thoughts bury me.
It’s not going to be an easy effort for search and rescue to get me out of this natural disaster.
It’s kind of a gift to myself though. Just like when you make your bed in the morning so your future self can get into a cozy bed at the end of the day. I have to become consumed by my avalanche of fear and insecurities in order to get out and build a snow man. Am I losing you with these metaphors/analogies? I don’t even know the difference between the two if I’m being honest.
Although living by myself and being alone a lot more often is scary to me, I know my future self will look back on this time in my life and think, “Dang, she kinda killed it , thanks past Helen!”
I feel brave for embracing this stage of my life and I am excited to see what the universe brings to me during it. Bring it on!
Just like the Mary Tyler Moore show said : You’re going to make it after all!
*cue the hat throw.
